WPI31 - Witch Is How The Biscuits Disappeared Page 3
Max Payne? Seriously?
“I’m Jill.”
The nurse manoeuvred me onto the reclining chair, and placed a pair of ill-fitting glasses over my eyes.
“Any problems, Jill?” Max said.
“None. Everything’s absolutely fine.”
“Excellent. Let’s just have a quick look. Open wide.” He poked around for a few seconds, and then said, “Hmm?”
What did that mean? Nothing good, I’d bet.
“You have a bit of a cavity in this one.” He tapped one of my back teeth. “Nothing we can’t sort out. Everything else seems fine. Okay, you can sit up now.”
The nurse removed the glasses.
“Do I need a filling?”
“Yes. Just the one. If you make an appointment at reception on your way out, we’ll soon have it sorted.”
“Right, thanks.”
I made the appointment for the following Monday. One small filling was nothing to worry about. I most likely wouldn’t feel a thing.
After surviving that ordeal, I deserved coffee and a muffin.
But, hold on! Perhaps the muffins were the reason I had the cavity in the first place. I would definitely have to cut back on the sugary treats.
***
“Could I have a caramel latte and a blueberry muffin, please?”
What? Obviously, I meant that I was going to cut back from tomorrow. Sheesh, give a girl a break.
Instead of making my coffee, the young man behind the counter in Coffee Games began to make all kinds of weird gestures with his arms.
“Sorry?” I didn’t have the first clue what he was trying to convey to me.
The woman behind me in the queue noticed my confusion, and said, “It’s charades day.”
“Oh? Right.”
The man was holding up two fingers.
“Two words?”
He nodded, then held up one finger.
“First word?”
He nodded again, then held up two fingers.
Huh? “Second word?”
He shook his head.
“Oh, you mean the first word is two.”
He nodded, and then put up two fingers again.
“Second word?”
He nodded, and then cupped his ear.
“Sounds like?”
He nodded, and then lifted his foot onto the counter.
“Foot? Sounds like foot?”
He shook his head, and pointed again.
“Sounds like toes?”
He touched his foot again, but this time held up one finger.
“Toe? Sounds like toe?”
He touched his nose with his index finger, and waited for me to work it out.
What sounded like toe? Bow, dough, foe—
“Go!”
He nodded.
First word is two. Second word is go? Hang on, I’ve got it.
“To go?”
He touched his nose with his index finger.
“No, thanks. I’m going to drink in.”
I’d just taken my first bite of blueberry muffinness when—
“Jill? It is you, isn’t it?”
“Norman?”
Norman, AKA Mastermind, was a long-time acquaintance of mine. He’d first entered my orbit when he’d been dating Betty Longbottom. It was Norman who had been responsible for introducing me to the wacky world of bottle top collectors. After he and Betty had split up, he’d opened his own shop, selling bottle tops. The last time I’d seen him, he’d been with Tonya, a fellow MENSA candidate, who had at one time worked at the local betting shop.
“Do you mind if I join you for a minute, Jill?”
“I—err—of course not.”
“I was thinking of coming to see you, but when I looked for your offices, your sign had disappeared.”
“That’s kind of a long story. What did you want to see me about? Do you have bottle top issues?”
“No. It’s got nothing to do with the business.”
“What then?”
“It’s Tonya.”
“She’s your girlfriend, right?”
“My wife.”
“You’re married? When did that happen?”
“We eloped.”
“To Gretna Green?”
“To Wood Green, actually. Tonya got the booking mixed up.”
“Right.”
“She’s changed, Jill.”
“In what way?”
“We’ve always had common interests.”
“Bottle tops, you mean?”
“Yes, and mailboxes.”
“Mailboxes?”
“That’s Tonya’s thing, really, but I’ve always tried to be encouraging about them. Just like she does with my bottle tops.”
“She collects mailboxes?”
“No.” He laughed. “She likes to take photos of them. We’ve travelled all over the country doing it.”
“You said she’s changed? In what way?”
“It’s hard to put my finger on it. She seems kind of distant. As though she isn’t really with me even when she is.”
“Relationships do change over time.”
“I know. It’s probably just my imagination, but I’m worried she might be cheating on me.”
“I seriously doubt that.”
“I’d still like you to find out for sure, just to put my mind at ease.”
“Okay, but I’d have to charge for my time.”
“Of course. That’s not a problem. The bottle top business is going from strength to strength. I opened a website earlier this year, and that’s now making more money than the shop. At this rate, I’ll be able to retire by the time I’m forty.”
I was clearly in the wrong line of business.
***
Back at the office, Armi was in conversation with Mrs V.
“Hi, Armi. Long time, no see.”
“Hello, Jill.”
“What are you up to these days?”
“I’ve mostly retired now, but I do like to keep my hand in with the cuckoos.”
“I thought you and the Cuckoo Clock Appreciation Society had parted company?”
“I’m done with those officious idiots, but I still enjoy building the clocks. Would you and Jack like one for your house?”
“I—err—”
“Of course you would, wouldn’t you, Jill?” Mrs V chimed in.
“Absolutely. That would be very nice.” We had plenty of room in the spare bedroom now, so no one need ever see it. “It’s a pity that you aren’t able to go with Mrs V to the school—”
Mrs V cut straight across me. “You’d better be making tracks, my little gingerbread man.” She took his arm and led him to the door. “Jill and I have a lot of work to get through.”
“Okay, see you tonight.” He gave her a peck on the cheek, and then took his leave.
“What’s going on, Mrs V?” I pinned her with my gaze.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Yes, you do. You cut me off just as I was about to mention your school reunion.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did. Armi doesn’t know about it, does he?”
Even before she replied, I knew the answer; the guilt was written all over her face.
“No, but he wouldn’t enjoy it anyway.”
Now I was really intrigued. “Why don’t you want him to know about it? There wouldn’t be someone there that you don’t want him to meet, would there?”
“Of course not.”
“Mrs V?”
“Alright. If you must know, I’m expecting Roland Brass to be there.”
“And who exactly is Roland Brass?”
“We dated at school. He was the captain of the football team and I was the—”
“The chief cheerleader?”
“Of course not. I was the captain of the knitting team.”
“When was the last time you saw him?”
“At one of the early reunions, but that’s over thirty years ago now.”
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“But you still have the hots for him?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m a happily married woman.”
“So why don’t you want Armi to meet him?”
“It’s not that. I just don’t think he’d enjoy himself.”
“I hope you know what you’re doing. I’ve seen this type of thing go wrong before.”
I was thinking back to when Amber and Pearl had attended a school reunion in the hope of seeing their schoolgirl crush, Miles Best. That hadn’t ended well.
Winky had company. And his visitor was someone I hadn’t expected ever to see again. He and the professor were deep in conversation, studying plans of some kind.
“We won’t be a minute,” Winky said, without even looking up. “You can take a seat on the sofa.”
“That’s very kind of you.”
I tried to overhear what they were discussing, but they were deliberately talking in hushed voices. After about five minutes, they shook paws, and the professor made his way out of the window.
“What was that all about?”
“Just a bit of business.”
“With him? After what happened with the zip wire?”
“Cat Zip.”
“Whatever. You were nearly killed.”
“That wasn’t the professor’s fault. The wire was faulty.”
“Don’t tell me you’re going to try the zip wire—err—Cat Zip again? It would be suicide.”
“Relax. We’ve come up with a new project that promises to be even more profitable than Cat Zip could ever have been.”
“Is it as dangerous?”
“No, it’s perfectly safe.”
“So? What is it?”
“I can’t tell you.”
“I don’t mind signing an NDA.”
“Sorry. It’s top secret at the moment.”
“Please yourself. It’s not like I care anyway. I have more important things to concern myself with.”
“Like the dentist’s chair?” He did his impression of the dentist’s drill again. “Didn’t I tell you that you had a cavity? Those fillings can be really painful.”
“Don’t be daft. I won’t feel a thing. And anyway, how do you know I have to go back for a filling?”
“Tommy the Tooth gave me the nod.”
“Who?”
“Tommy the Tooth. He’s lived at that dental practice for the last five years. There’s nothing that guy doesn’t know about teeth. Who do you think looks after mine?”
“You just make this stuff up as you go along.”
***
The week had got off to a promising start. It was only Monday, and I’d already booked two new cases. Granted, one of those was for Mastermind Norman, but they all counted.
Luther would be proud of me. That reminded me, I needed to give him a call.
“Luther, it’s Jill.”
“Hi. Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s just dandy, thanks. I thought I’d let you know that I gave some thought to what you said when you were here last.”
“Oh?”
“About my new office manager. I ran the numbers and decided you were right. The business couldn’t afford him, so I’ve let him go.”
“So soon?”
“Yes, but it’s okay because he had another job to go to. I’ve also decided to close the Coventry office.”
“Is that a good idea? You seemed to get a lot of work over there.”
“It’s fine. Work is really picking up here in Washbridge. I’ve signed up two new cases just today.”
“That’s great. Thanks for keeping me posted, Jill.”
“No problem.”
Now all I had to do was to remember not to mark any of the cases with a ‘C’ from now on.
***
Britt was in her front garden, and on first glance, she appeared to be talking to their new tree.
“Come down. He’s gone.”
“Is everything okay, Britt?”
“Hi, Jill. It’s Lovely.”
“I agree. It’s a very handsome tree.”
“No, I mean my Lovely.” She pointed to the top of the tree. “I think she’s stuck.”
Sure enough, Lovely was looking down at us from her precarious perch.
“She’ll be okay,” I reassured Britt. “They always find their way down eventually. They just like to scare us.”
“It’s all the fault of that horrible creature from across the road. Have you seen Jimmy and Kimmy’s cat?”
“Bruiser?”
“He certainly is. A real horror.”
“No, that’s his name: Bruiser. They used to keep him at the office.”
“I wish they’d left him there. He’s been terrorising poor Lovely.”
Just then, Lovely shot down from the tree, and rushed around the back of the house.
“See,” I said. “I told you she’d be okay.”
“Thanks, Jill. I really shouldn’t get so worked up, but I can’t help myself. You know what it’s like with cats. You get so attached to them.”
“Hmm.”
“I’m glad I’ve seen you, anyway.”
“If it’s about Jack and the glockenspiel, I can explain.”
“No, it isn’t that. We really enjoyed the Normal’s housewarming party, didn’t you?”
“Err, yeah, it was great.”
“Anyway, we got to thinking that we missed out by not having one.”
“I wouldn’t say that.”
“But then we thought why not have one now? It’s not like we’ve lived here very long.”
“Isn’t there some kind of time limit?”
“No, I’m sure there isn’t. So, our big news is that we’re going to have a housewarming party this Wednesday, and obviously, we’d love it if you and Jack could come.”
I was just about to make our excuses when Jack’s car pulled up on the driveway.
“Hi, you two!” He came over to join us.
“I was just telling Jill that we’re going to have a belated housewarming party this Wednesday.”
I jumped in. “And I was just about to tell Britt that we were already doing something—”
“We’d love to.” He gushed. “We had a blast at the Normal’s party, didn’t we, Jill?”
“A blast. Yeah.”
“I’m really excited about the party,” Jack said when we were inside the house.
“Me too.” Sigh.
“I see the heating is working. Thank goodness for that. Did the boiler man say what the problem was?”
“The paperwork is on the kitchen table.” I started for the stairs. “I think I’ll take a bath before dinner.”
I was halfway up the stairs when he shouted, “Why isn’t the maintenance contract-no charge box ticked?”
Chapter 4
The next morning, the traffic in Washbridge city centre was horrendous. It took me ten minutes longer than usual to reach the car park. As far as I could make out, the reason for the delay was a pothole that had opened up on the road outside my office.
Mrs V was looking particularly resplendent.
“What do you think, Jill?” She did a little twirl to show off the maroon dress.
“It’s very nice.”
“I bought it for the reunion on Saturday.”
“The one you haven’t told Armi about?”
“I told him last night.”
“I’m pleased to hear it. Is he going with you?”
“No. He didn’t seem very bothered.”
“Hmm.” Something told me Mrs V hadn’t tried too hard to sell him on the idea. Still, at least she wasn’t going behind his back now.
“I’d better go and change out of this. I just wanted you to see it.”
“Remind me, do I have any appointments today?”
“Just the one. This afternoon at two o’clock with a Mrs Cheryl Warne. She called yesterday after you’d left.”
“Okay.”
The punch bag was back, and Winky was working up a s
weat, knocking seven bells out of it.
“Why is that thing back in here?”
“I need to keep my paw in.”
“Why? Bruiser has gone now.”
“Of course he has. He knew what he was in for if he hung around here any longer.”
“I’m not convinced that’s why he left. I reckon it might have had more to do with the landlord.”
“I can’t believe you fell for that lame excuse of his. Anyway, that’s all history now. I’ve got bigger fish to fry.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m in training for the Washbridge Feline Boxing Tournament.”
“Please tell me you’re joking.”
“Why would I be joking? If I can scare off the likes of Bruiser without having to land a single punch, why should I be worried about anyone else?”
Oh bum! When I’d pretended to be Macabre, in order to persuade Jimmy and Kimmy to get rid of Bruiser, it had never occurred to me that it would encourage Winky to do something as crazy as this.
“But you’ll be up against professional boxers.”
“So? Bring them on. The bigger they are, the harder they’ll fall.” And with that, he went back to thumping the punch bag.
It was no good. I simply couldn’t allow him to go through with this. He would end up getting badly hurt. There was only one thing to do. I’d have to come clean and tell him the truth.
“Winky, can you stop that just for a minute? There’s something important I need to tell you.”
“Can’t it wait?” He landed another two punches.
“No. I need to tell you this now before you do something stupid.”
“Okay.” He stepped back from the punch bag. “But make it quick.”
“When Bruiser was threatening to fight you, I was concerned for your safety.”
“Because of Bruiser?“ He laughed. “Do me a favour.”
“I was so worried that I decided to use magic to make myself look like the landlord, Mr Macabre. I went to see the people over at Clown, and told them if they didn’t remove the cat from the premises, their lease would be terminated. That’s the real reason that Bruiser left. I’m really sorry, but I only did it to protect you.”
He stared at me for a long minute without speaking. I was expecting him to berate me for what I’d done, but instead, he began to laugh. “That’s very funny. You almost had me going there.”